Thursday, December 10, 2020

WANTED: ELF THAT DOESN'T SIT ON A SHELF!


     Well, here we are again.  It's the holidays, it's 2020 and all the craziness has ensued.  This is a post, I post every year and I pick a funny holiday photo and include it in the post.  This year, I found this on the internet:
     Since we added chaos to chaos this year, by getting a puppy, this photo made me laugh... mainly wondering if this photo was photoshopped, or is this dog actually wearing the jingle bell collar and Santa hat.  I suspect not. 
     The next photo is one I posted a few years back, but still makes me smile.  Hope the post brings a few laughs.

From Spiderwebmaker.com
     
     Call me Scrooge.  I have a few issues (click here for the history) with the Elf On The Shelf.  In a nutshell I don't have time to come up with the crazy antics or clean up after a little spy's shenanigans.  Also, Santa has always come through; years before the elves showed up.

     Out of all the ones out there, this is the funniest photo I've seen this year... I've always had a soft spot for the Abominable Snowman.
Photo courtesy of a friend.

   
 Then it dawned on me:  Aren't elves supposed to be helpful?  Didn't they once save the business of a shoemaker and his wife?
     So, after thinking about it, and another hectic, crazy ass day, of the holiday season; it has occurred to me:  I could use an elf.
   
Naturally, the elf must be able to follow a few rules and meet the following requirements:

*No sitting on a shelf.  It's the holidays.

*You're the ELF.  It is your job to make my holiday time easier and funner; not the other way around.


*Must have and know ones own name already.  Please realize there are days, after repeatedly being called "Mommeee...", that to recall even my own is a task not for the faint of heart.


*Must dress appropriately.  A skin tight red unitard with a dainty collar and matching beanie may be fine for flittin' 'round the North Pole, but here in the Midwestern suburbs, we dress a tad more classic. Tasteful layers is always a good way to go.  


*Thou shalt clean up after oneself after working in the kitchen, or any other room of the house.  


*No frolicking with Barbie and friends.  Same goes for any other doll, action figure, or stuffed animal.  


*No gadgets.  Seriously.  After seeing some of the ways these imps get their jollies, can't help but wonder, how many kids have had their eyes "opened"- when a distracted parent forgot... Well let's just blame the elf because he forgot he was supposed to be there for the kids enjoyment- not his.


*If you have time to sit on that shelf, you have time to dust that shelf.


*There's no "I" in Elf on the Shelf.


*Mess with the witches, and you're toast.  Or a frog.


*No tattling.  In this house, you tattle; you're in trouble too.  My attempt to get sisters to work together, to whatever means, rather than work against one another.  However, this is another problem I have with the elves.  They leave Santa and all, during the busiest time of  year, to enjoy Spring Break like behavior, under the guise of being a spy.  If I was a reindeer, or a fellow elf that had to stay put at the Arctic workshop and work my tush-n-tail off during the last days before the global flight, while some got to go lounge on shelves and hoop it up... I wouldn't be best pleased.  Much less jolly and merry.  But that's just me.


*Master Bedroom is off limits.


*Stay out of my booze.  


*If an elf could manage to do nothing more than help me find my keys most days, I would be grateful.

*Fail to comply with any of these, and I'll  be the one reporting back to Santa.  
Ho! Ho! Ho!


*Wishing everyone a safe and magical holiday!

Originally posted on 12/17/2015


To read about my history with the elves, check out these posts:



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