Saturday, December 19, 2015

WANTED: ELF THAT DOESN'T SIT ON A SHELF!


     Well, here we are again, it's the holidays, and all the craziness has ensued. This is mainly a repost, but I think every year I'll pick a funny holiday photo and include it in the post.  These photos will be ones that I find on the internet.  This year's winner is: 
 
From Spiderwebmaker.com
     
     Call me Scrooge.  I have a few issues (click here for the history) with the Elf On The Shelf.  In a nutshell I don't have time to come up with the crazy antics or clean up after a little spy's shenanigans.  Also, Santa has always come through; years before the elves showed up.

     Out of all the ones out there, this is the funniest photo I've seen this year... I've always had a soft spot for the Abominable Snowman.
Photo courtesy of a friend.

   
 Then it dawned on me:  Aren't elves supposed to be helpful?  Didn't they once save the business of a shoemaker and his wife?
     So, after thinking about it, and another hectic, crazy ass day, of the holiday season; it has occurred to me:  I could use an elf.
   
Naturally, the elf must be able to follow a few rules and meet the following requirements:

*No sitting on a shelf.  It's the holidays.

*You're the ELF.  It is your job to make my holiday time easier and funner; not the other way around.


*Must have and know ones own name already.  Please realize there are days, after repeatedly being called "Mommeee...", that to recall even my own is a task not for the faint of heart.


*Must dress appropriately.  A skin tight red unitard with a dainty collar and matching beanie may be fine for flittin' 'round the North Pole, but here in the Midwestern suburbs, we dress a tad more classic. Tasteful layers is always a good way to go.  


*Thou shalt clean up after oneself after working in the kitchen, or any other room of the house.  


*No frolicking with Barbie and friends.  Same goes for any other doll, action figure, or stuffed animal.  


*No gadgets.  Seriously.  After seeing some of the ways these imps get their jollies, can't help but wonder, how many kids have had their eyes "opened"- when a distracted parent forgot... Well let's just blame the elf because he forgot he was supposed to be there for the kids enjoyment- not his.


*If you have time to sit on that shelf, you have time to dust that shelf.


*There's no "I" in Elf on the Shelf.


*Mess with the witches, and you're toast.  Or a frog.


*No tattling.  In this house, you tattle; you're in trouble too.  My attempt to get sisters to work together, to whatever means, rather than work against one another.  However, this is another problem I have with the elves.  They leave Santa and all, during the busiest time of  year, to enjoy Spring Break like behavior, under the guise of being a spy.  If I was a reindeer, or a fellow elf that had to stay put at the Arctic workshop and work my tush-n-tail off during the last days before the global flight, while some got to go lounge on shelves and hoop it up... I'd wouldn't be best pleased, much less jolly and merry.  But that's just me.


*Master Bedroom is off limits.


*Stay out of my booze.  


*If an elf could manage to do nothing more than help me find my keys most days, I would be grateful.

*Fail to comply with any of these, and I'll  be the one reporting back to Santa.  
Ho! Ho! Ho!


*Wishing everyone a safe and magical holiday!