Thursday, January 23, 2014

Google Glass's New App




 Okay, okay, "you can leave your hat on", but for the love of God, please leave your Google Glass at the door.  Preferably the front door.  Far away from the bedroom.

     Just in case you haven't heard, Google Glass has a new application coming soon: Google Glance.   This new handy dandy software (every pun intended) lets you watch and record your sex acts; along with a few other options.

Thank you, Huffington Post for keeping me up on the latest technological advances.

     I spent some time looking up about Google Glass, and while I understand there may be times where Google Glass serves a purpose, that is not the point of this post.
   Please, oh please, let Fred Armisen host SNL or make a guest appearance in the near future and do a follow up to his hilarious first sketch about Google Glass.  In case you haven's seen it, I think it aired last April.  I tried to link it up through YouTube, but due to a copyright, it's no longer available.  I will add the main gist of this post, to my "SNL Sketches I'd Like To See," when I
am finished, because all the thoughts that come to mind, are funny.  As always, I hope I don't offend anyone, but if so, I wish you luck.  The world today is not easy without humor.  If it ever was.


     So... you can watch... and record... and see what your partner sees...?  Is this a good thing?

     "Okay Glass: It's Time." These are the words that the user utters when getting...uhmm... started.
 I am old fashioned; I like being the only one my lover is talking to.  Talk about off-putting.
     Right here, I'm picturing an awkward scene.  Actually, several.  I think you would have to be at a certain level of intimacy to use Google Glance.  I guess in a few years, when everyone is donning this $1500 "wearable technology", it may be second nature; like wearing a watch.  And it will be, "Your Glass or mine?"  Till that day- I envision a lot of hightailing the hell out of what otherwise seemed like was going to be a promising liason.
      I would hope that individuals conducting extramarital affairs would have enough sense to steer clear; then again, sense and decorum usually aren't priorities.  Shall we place a wager on which politician will be the first to Glance?
     The other awkward scene, for me, is this:  can you imagine parents trying to use Google Glance?  Don't know about anyone else, but here, the moment new technology comes into the house, everyone is clamouring to use it.  I'm sure there'll be those families where each member has their own Google Glass.  God forbid Mom & Dad's gets mixed up with Junior's.  Wouldya look at what your little angel's been up to!

       For the sake of argument, and for this post, let's say there's no kids, and it's either the time when everyone has a GG and is Glancin', (cause you just know there's bound to be jargon that goes along) or the couple has been together for a while and this is merely the "next step" in their relationship.

Let's consider the obvious: how does one kiss, or "suck face" (term from 1982's On Golden Pond) or anything else for that matter with this gadget on?

To think; I used to have an issue with socks being left on. 
  
     David Fleming, a host for Engadget reviews, reviewed Google Glass, last April.  In his review he stated that Google Glass's battery lasts for about 5 hours.   Less, if you are videoing.  So, while using Google Glance, what happens if you end up with one of those "situations" that Cialis and Viagra warn about?  Hint: 4 hours or longer.  Too bad.  For oh, so many reasons.

     Just some other thoughts...

     I don't think the Google Glass is water/moisture proof... water? sweat? ...?

     Evidently you can ask your Glass to cue up music: "play Marvin Gaye"; what if your partner wants Prince? Berlioz?  or Alan Jackson?  If both have Google Glass and cue up different music, what then?  So much for intimacy.

    You can "watch" what your partner sees?  Better not be the least bit self conscious.  Think you kicked yourself for skipping a gym session before?  Last week's wax? Shoulduv gone Brazilian.

     Heaven forbid you use any other "technology".   Although, apparently you can rig it up to adjust the lighting... and who knows what else.   Does anything short out?  Come to think of it, if I could rig it up to my oven, blender; then have dinner and a nice margarita apres lovin', that'd be pretty sweet. Better update the surge protectors.   Guess as long as there's no wires crossed.

      You can ask your Glass to give you ideas.  So much for going where the mood takes you.

     An idea?  Apparently a lesson from the Kama Sutra is an option.  Really?  I always wondered how the early practitioners managed those positions in the first place, all the while keeping their kimonos  hanging so gracefully.  How would they have managed with Google Glance?  I seem to recall your breath is a key element; not to mention focus.  Given that I am not tech savvy or a human pretzel, managing either Google Glass, OR the Kama Sutra, sounds daunting.  Just a thought: you may want to have that desired position "down" before adding Google Glass.  Seems to me that techno gizmo could disrupt the desired effect of the position's goals.   Keep in mind, the Kama Sutra dates back to ancient times: Ancient, ancient times.  400BC ancient.  "Kama" is one of the "4 goals of living" according to some philosophies.  It is the "aesthetic and erotic pleasure" goal.  Google Glass seems to fit more under "Artha: the material prosperity" goal.  Maybe best not to get your Kama and your Artha tangled up.

     I almost forgot.  Google Glance enables you to watch, record and all of this, from different angles!  Oh Lord.  So... the Kama and the Artha are definitely going to get tangled up.  Trying to imagine:  wearing a Google Glass, which can do different tasks (It's not just for Glancin'); trying a Kama Sutra pose; viewing it from various angles; all the while your co-Glancer is doing the same.  Definitely not for the faint of heart.

     Lest we forget the feeling of being "watched" these days is everywhere.

     Google's claim is, that "You are the only person with a copy of the video, if you save it.  Otherwise, it is gone forever.  It is not hosted anywhere."  Really?  Don't mean to be a "Debbie Downer", but that just sounds like a juicy double dare for a hacker.   Not to mention the idea, in my humble opinion, that the NSA and Google cannot coexist without a conflict of interest.  By the way, did you go on the Google Glance site?  Is that a cup of coffee being clamped by the knee highs?  As if Google Glance is not bewildering enough.

     Then finally, can we please talk about the choice for the phrase, "Ok Glass, pull out."?

     Methinks the creators are GOOFS.   Highly intelligent; but goofs.  Heaven forbid you are with a person whose last name is "Glass".  Could get quite confusing.  Begs the question: does Google Glance really listen?  Seriously?  Seems to me, if ever one was "caught up in the moment", this would be one of those times.

     "Through the looking glass," has taken on quite a new meaning.  Alice will never be the same.